WANTED: NFL PLAYER
Must be good at pushing people around, knocking them down, hitting, smashing, whacking, mauling, thumping, etc.
Must have a bright and cheerful smile for PR purposes, such as advertising in which you are surrounded by children at play.
Bonuses may be available for injuring opponents.
Should be a role model, temperate, wise, kind, gentle, a “big ol’ teddy bear,” and have a back-story that can be packaged as “uplifting.”
Must be comfortable in a community of bullying, hazing, humiliating, shaming, insulting, threatening, simulating rape, and other “good, clean fun.”
Homophobia will not be tolerated.* (*New rule effective 2014 season.)
Prior criminal record is no problem.
Must accept that millions of strangers will pretend to select, own and trade you, to manipulate your name and body in their fantasies.
Must accept that you will be idolized until your body is broken or your skills diminish, then discarded and forgotten.
Must not expect the billionaires who own the league to have any awareness of your human value, or interest in your long-term health.
Must be able to work yourself into the intense, controlled-berserk, hyper-emotional state necessary to succeed in this sport—but not get carried away with taunting or boasting.
Must have no intention of using your knees after age 30, your back after age 40, or your brain after age 50.
Must be a good marksman—able to hit your own heart at close range.